A story I heard
There once was a wise man that went to go visit the king. When he knocked, a guard opened the door and said, “Who are you and what are you doing here?” The wise man paused for a moment and asked the guard what he was getting paid because he would double it. If the guard would come to his house every morning and ask him the same two questions, every day.
I think about that story a lot
I think about those questions all the time
When I wake up in the middle of the night
I am asking them
The questions tumble around in my head like clothes in the dryer
I am a daughter, sister, wife, aunt and friend
But, it’s not who I am
Is it?
I have been a student
I have been a salesman
I have been lots of things
But, it doesn’t seem like those are the answers to that question either
Those are roles I’ve played in the story of my life
Costume changes included
What I am looking for is purpose
I was so passionate about the store my brother and I had
I loved it and it would have happily worked there my entire life
When it closed due to my illness, a part of me closed too
I needed to be in Chicago and then home healing
Working was impossible
My priorities drastically changed
I drastically changed
My life is a gift and I want to use it in a profound way
There are days, after I host an event for the Chicago women over 50 group I started, that I feel a deep sense of accomplishment
But, there are days I feel directionless
Like I’m drifting and it’s a tough because I like a plan
So, I go back to the questions
Who am I and what am I doing here?
Brené Brown says we’re born for both strength and struggle
And I am no stranger to struggle but
I am also thriving and
I am loved
I am curious and creative
I am a spiritual being having a human experience and I am strong
But, I don’t know is what the future holds
Nobody does
Thomas Merton said “You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.”
So for today, I am asking to be filled with awe and wonder and the courage to become who I am meant to be
I’ve got faith and hope that someday, I’ll figure it out
Even if I don’t have plan