What about the fear?

“Most of us are constantly surrounded by unanswered questions. We wonder whether our kids will make it through their battle with addiction or what we will find on the other side of stage four cancer. We don’t want someone else’s answers, and we don’t need someone’s opinion, because more opinions just create more anxiety. What we really want to know is that we’re not alone. We need to know someone else has endured nights of barely breathing and they kept waking up to new mornings.”  There is a sense of shame when we struggle in secret. Most people are not looking for a quick answer, they just need a good friend

I read this today in a book by, Bob Goff. 

It’s called,  Live in Grace*Walk in Love

It brought up a lot for me

Especially the enduring nights of barely breathing

I had so many of those, days too

When you are in the belly of the beast, it’s very isolating 

You really don’t want anyone googling webmd and regurgitating what they read to you 

You just want somebody to come sit beside you and share a sandwich

I was really lucky to have some of those people in my life

They would just come over and sit and share stories and maybe a bottle of wine and just let me know I wasn’t alone

They also gave Michael a break from coming home, so he could focus on work

With all the talk on the news this past week about people self isolating and quarantining at home-

I can’t help but think about the 30 days I lived in a bubble at the hospital

I’m sure I’ve processed most of that for healing and necessary precautions as I had my immune system completely eradicated

I’m sure I’ve done the emotional work and dealing with how grateful I am that it worked and that I’m home and that I’ve gotten better every day since

But I can’t help but feel the fingers of fear around the whole world getting a virus

One doctor speculated that’s how my illness started, as a virus

I lived in fear for many years

I lived in fear not knowing how long I would live with that disease and if one day I would just stop breathing

I lived in fear of never getting better

I lived in fear of the clinical trial not working 

I lived in fear of getting sick and it returning 

I lived in fear of falling 

I lived in fear...

I don’t anymore and I haven’t for awhile 

And now the world is infected 

All the precautions they suggest, I’ve been doing for a decade

I know how to do this and yet...the fear 

How do I handle that?

How do you stay calm when the worst possible thing has happened

I’ve lived through a catastrophic illness and it was, catastrophic 

How do I want to show up for this pandemic? 

How do I want to live?

That’s just it, I am living and I am thriving 

I am waking up everyday and thinking of all the things I am grateful for, before I even get out of bed

We am eating really healthy meals and making a very healthy juice for us every morning 

I make elderberry syrup that we have everyday too

I also take zinc and vitamin c and drink a lot of water

I am going to still serve the homeless 

I am going to still host lunches for my meet up group

I am going to remind myself that, this too shall pass

And I am going to Clorox wipe, everything 

The thing is, we all have things from our past that scare us

We have all lived through something that fundamentally changed  us

We all have something that we never want to relive, again 

And, for a lot of people, it’s still going on, their “all clear” hasn’t happened yet

We are built with a fear button, for sure

But, we also have a faith one as well

Let’s push that one, way more

Let’s see if we can get our fear, under control

Liz Gilbert says, “ Fear doesn’t need to be your enemy; it can be in the car with you but it can’t sit in the front seat and pick the music”

I like that, a lot

What music would make you, fear less?

What songs could you sing, to make yourself feel better?

My go to is, “Lovely Day” by the great Bill Withers

It’s a guarantee mood lifter

Maybe that’s another piece of armor 

Fear can’t live where there is great joy

If in this present moment, you find joy

Focus on joy and breathe it in

Fear can’t take over, it can’t sit up front with you

So, let’s sing loud and proud my friends

Be smart and safe

But, sing a song that brings you joy 

Because, this too shall pass and until it does-

Clorox wipe, everything