Yearning

The yearning for what used to be
What we used to have
Where we used to work
Who we used to be
How we used to look
It’s something so profound to ponder
What do you do, when everything shifts
When the moment you are in, isn’t where you want to be
You naturally yearn for what used to be
When I came home from the Mayo Clinic the first thing I did was have my girlfriend, Frankie over
She and I, with her sister and my mom sat down and wrote out goals for me
The first one was to dance at my friend, KT’s wedding in six months
I had just been told that I’d never walk again
So, this goal was a big one
I focused and prayed and practiced walking everyday
I was so wobbly and I couldn’t feel my feet or my legs
I didn’t care
I was determined and I wanted to return
To be me again
The picture is us on the dance floor at her wedding
It’s blurry and I’m a mess but I’m elated
If you look closely, you can see the leg braces that I had to wear to even stand up
My friends were surrounding us
We could feel their love and collective cheering
They were allowing us the space to say, not yet
Not now
Not this ending
Michael is literally holding me up as he has this whole decade
It’s a powerful reminder to me of what used to be
I wrote several years ago about my last ponytail
I had really long hair when I got sick
Chemo changed that quickly
I sat and looked at my reflection in the mirror
My hair was gone and I wondered, did I appreciate that ponytail?
Did I take time to even notice, I doubt it
That's' the thing about last times, you never know they are
Until after
I guess what I’m saying here is, let the old you go
You’ve changed
It’s all different now and that’s okay
Don’t miss your life because you’re looking back
Look in the mirror and appreciate what you see
And dance
Even if you can’t feel your feet